Sunday, January 18, 2009
Today was Payton's dedication at church. It was a memorable day, though the ceremony was memorable, meaningful and brought me a great deal of joy, I somehow felt that this process was already completed long before today. I remember clearly my feelings about this time last year, when Payton was a tiny glimmer in my womb. I remember my prayers for him the instant I knew I was pregnant and the overwhelming responsibiity I felt to cover his life in prayer. I spent countless nights lying awake and day-dreams in the day, just praying through every area of his life. Prayers for protection from all kinds of evils, people, hurts, wrongs, flaws, danger, and the list goes on and on. I realized pretty quickly that I just couldn't think of it all. I cannot possible think of all the things that I need to pray for him. I was really overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all. As a result, I worried that I would miss something, that I would not pray something and my baby (later to be named Payton) would suffer in some way, or get hurt. I finally came to the realization that I can't. I am not capable of thinking of it all, remembering it all, or even using the right words when I do. So I decided to just give up. Give it UP...and stop worrying. I won't ever have the right words. I am not made to remember it all. I never will think of all the right things to say. However, since my sweet boy has come into the world, I have realized something. That since I gave UP, I don't NEED to worry. God has given me the ability to trust Him with Payton's life. It is hard to think about anything bad happening to my son, but I feel God's presence in every aspect of his life. I feel His Holy Spirit leading me in even my prayers for areas of Payton's life. Really...I believe right now that Payton's life could not be in better hands, because mine are imperfect. I DON'T know what to do in many circumstances, but I love the feeling of surrender. I love giving Paton UP to God and knowing that my best interest is at heart too. That's just a bonus.