Friday, October 4, 2013

Eden Hope

“Delight in the Hope of Heaven”
To my precious Baby~
I don’t understand Heaven, or just how it works.  Now you do.  I can only understand earthly love, but you- you are experiencing more than I know of God’s peace and His great love.  My heart is grieving the absence of your presence, but my soul is celebrating your completeness.  You are whole, perfect-free from the pains of this terrible earth.  My perfect little one, you’ll never experience sadness and never hurt or question who Jesus is to you.  You know Him now, more fully than I do.  He made you and even I don’t understand your purpose in my life right now, but He does.  And now, you get to bask in His glory for all eternity.  Someday, I’ll join you. 

Your big brothers were so excited to have you in our family.  Payton says he is happy you are in Heaven, but he wanted you here.  Me too.  Titus still kisses my tummy lots.  I guess he doesn’t understand, like me, that even though your physical body is still in my womb- you are not.  You are waiting for us in eternity, with your sister, GiLana.  I like to think that the two of you are there together- laughing and playing, the way I imagined you would here in my living room.   I will always wish I could SEE you two, with your brothers, HERE with my own eyes- someday.  My heart leaps to think of the day you’ll run into my arms and the two of you will call me Mama.  I’ll miss you until then. 

Here’s the thing, sweet one-I will miss you forever.  But here is my comfort and what I am clinging to today:  You will never suffer, and in turn I will never have to experience, “the pain of childbirth.”  I would gladly birth you- and I am grieving that opportunity, but that’s not what I mean.  I will never worry for you- or wonder for you, or be even slightly concerned about who Jesus is to you.  I never have to suffer the pains of trying to do what is right for you or care for you enough, or loving you the right way, or pleading for your salvation.  I will never wonder if you are safe or if you KNOW God’s wholeness- you do!  I am so comforted by the promise of Heaven. 

We’ve decided on a name for you.  You are our child and we want you to be remembered and talked about by name… EDEN HOPE.  You will never know pain, but only pleasure.  You’ll not ever suffer, but only delight in Jesus and who He made you to be.  You will always be a Hope we have in the expectation of Heaven.  You are our “Delight in the Hope of Heaven.”  We will look for the day when we will be there together- forever worshiping our great Creator God who makes us to know Him.  I’ll miss you until then, but today I have to choose peace for my heart.  I know it is already all you know.  I am willingly giving you to my creator and yours, until I can hold you.  Today your body and mine will no longer be together.  The only physical life we have shared will be gone, and I will miss your presence, but, sweet baby- you will ALWAYS be in my heart.  I wait and HOPE for that Delight of Heaven! 
Loving you,
Mommy, Daddy, Payton and Titus

Romans 8: 38-39
“I am convinced that NOTHING can ever separate us for God’s love.  Neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today or our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love!” 

Lord, “I don’t know what you are doing, but I know WHO you are.” ~J.J. Heller 



Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Our Very Hungry Caterpillar turned ONE!

 Our Littlest blessing...a good reason to celebrate!
For ME?!?!?! Whoa!
All the things our "Hungry Caterpillars" ate...but HE was STILL hungry!

So he ate through a giant piece of banana cake shaped like a caterpillar head....Tastiest Cake I ever ate!
Look out world I'm ONE and I have BIG, BIG things in store this year!

Peeking around the corner to his baby brother's bedroom door.
Beaming at his Mommy.
My stocky, chubby cheek-ed, baby-in-a-boy's body.
Dimples, twinkle- he twinkles from his eyes-he does.
A jitter-bug jump inside that just wants to get out, so it wiggles, it waggles and makes his little body hop, even when he's holding perfectly still.
An open handed, chubby wave from the hallway in his bathrobe.
"Mommy..." and a mouthed, almost whisper, "I love you to the moon, and back."
Sweet, Sweet, smile.
Catching kisses with a little face smack.
Ducking away.
His precious 4 year old stut.
A pride-filled return and jammied-out...all by himself- the zipper kind. 
More smiles, and twinkles- I swear it. 
How many, many, MANY times can my heart burst?
A Lot.
A Whole Lot.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

My Sunshine

I heard her voice tonight. 

"You are my Sunshine, My only Sunshine.
You make me Happy, when skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my Sunshine away." 

I hear it often in the depths of my mind.
It seems to be right there sometimes, and so deep, at others, that it's hard to recall. 

Tonight, it was as if she plopped her spunky little self down right here beside me on the couch and sang in my ear.  Like she stepped out of my childhood bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed, and into my mind.  I must have heard it a thousand times as a little girl, and tonight I sit here just recalling it over and over and over again, lest it fade away in my memory again.

That little song.  Huge to me.  I think I would have believed her if she told me she wrote it.  I don't think, as a kid, I ever thought about that.  I just assumed it was exaclty how she felt about me, so it must have been hers. 

I felt like her Sunshine.  I knew I made life brighter for her, especially in dark times.  I knew she treasured me.  It was true. 

I didn't know though, how much she loved me.  I was clueless about the depth of her love for me, until I became a "mommie" myself.  I liked that she called me "Dear." 

Even as a child I thought about what it would be like if she and I were separated- taking our sunshine away.  It did- at least some of it. Her Sunshine lingers in my heart, though.  It lingers all over the place.  In my head tonight, soft and sweet, a little bit off pitch, perhaps, but I don't notice it now.  It's endearing.

Knowing her, there was a much deeper meaning.  She wanted nothing more in life than for her daughters to know Jesus and serve Him in holiness, glorifying Him with our lives.  She wanted me to know that He is the Sunshine I need.  I don't know if she ever thought about that, but HE is what we are left with, her legacy.  Sunshine for our souls.

I still feel like her "Sunshine, her only Sunshine," and I miss hearing her sing it to me, and then, her quick kiss and, "Goodnight my Tiffin-Annie."  Even now, it makes me feel so special, and so loved, because I was. 

I was someone's Sunshine.  I have a smile for that. :)