Eden Hope

“Delight in the Hope of Heaven”

To my precious Baby~

I don’t understand Heaven, or just how it works.  Now you do.  I can only understand earthly love, but you- you are experiencing more than I know of God’s peace and His great love.  My heart is grieving the absence of your presence, but my soul is celebrating your completeness.  You are whole, perfect-free from the pains of this terrible earth.  My perfect little one, you’ll never experience sadness and never hurt or question who Jesus is to you.  You know Him now, more fully than I do.  He made you and even I don’t understand your purpose in my life right now, but He does.  And now, you get to bask in His glory for all eternity.  Someday, I’ll join you. 

Your big brothers were so excited to have you in our family.  Payton says he is happy you are in Heaven, but he wanted you here.  Me too.  Titus still kisses my tummy lots.  I guess he doesn’t understand, like me, that even though your physical body is still in my womb- you are not.  You are waiting for us in eternity, with your sister, GiLana.  I like to think that the two of you are there together- laughing and playing, the way I imagined you would here in my living room.   I will always wish I could SEE you two, with your brothers, HERE with my own eyes- someday.  My heart leaps to think of the day you’ll run into my arms and the two of you will call me Mama.  I’ll miss you until then. 

Here’s the thing, sweet one-I will miss you forever.  But here is my comfort and what I am clinging to today:  You will never suffer, and in turn I will never have to experience, “the pain of childbirth.”  I would gladly birth you- and I am grieving that opportunity, but that’s not what I mean.  I will never worry for you- or wonder for you, or be even slightly concerned about who Jesus is to you.  I never have to suffer the pains of trying to do what is right for you or care for you enough, or loving you the right way, or pleading for your salvation.  I will never wonder if you are safe or if you KNOW God’s wholeness- you do!  I am so comforted by the promise of Heaven. 

We’ve decided on a name for you.  You are our child and we want you to be remembered and talked about by name… EDEN HOPE.  You will never know pain, but only pleasure.  You’ll not ever suffer, but only delight in Jesus and who He made you to be.  You will always be a Hope we have in the expectation of Heaven.  You are our “Delight in the Hope of Heaven.”  We will look for the day when we will be there together- forever worshiping our great Creator God who makes us to know Him.  I’ll miss you until then, but today I have to choose peace for my heart.  I know it is already all you know.  I am willingly giving you to my creator and yours, until I can hold you.  Today your body and mine will no longer be together.  The only physical life we have shared will be gone, and I will miss your presence, but, sweet baby- you will ALWAYS be in my heart.  I wait and HOPE for that Delight of Heaven! 

Loving you,

Mommy, Daddy, Payton and Titus

Romans 8: 38-39

“I am convinced that NOTHING can ever separate us for God’s love.  Neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today or our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love!” 

Lord, “I don’t know what you are doing, but I know WHO you are.” ~J.J. Heller 

 

 

Our Very Hungry Caterpillar turned ONE!

 Our Littlest blessing...a good reason to celebrate!

For ME?!?!?! Whoa!

All the things our "Hungry Caterpillars" ate...but HE was STILL hungry!

So he ate through a giant piece of banana cake shaped like a caterpillar head....Tastiest Cake I ever ate!

Look out world I'm ONE and I have BIG, BIG things in store this year!

Peeking around the corner to his baby brother's bedroom door.

Beaming at his Mommy.

My stocky, chubby cheek-ed, baby-in-a-boy's body.

Dimples, twinkle- he twinkles from his eyes-he does.

 

A jitter-bug jump inside that just wants to get out, so it wiggles, it waggles and makes his little body hop, even when he's holding perfectly still.

 

An open handed, chubby wave from the hallway in his bathrobe.

"Mommy..." and a mouthed, almost whisper, "I love you to the moon, and back."

Sweet, Sweet, smile.

Catching kisses with a little face smack.

Ducking away.

His precious 4 year old stut.

 

A pride-filled return and jammied-out...all by himself- the zipper kind. 

More smiles, and twinkles- I swear it. 

How many, many, MANY times can my heart burst?

A Lot.

A Whole Lot.

My Sunshine

I heard her voice tonight. 

"You are my Sunshine, My only Sunshine.
You make me Happy, when skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my Sunshine away." 

I hear it often in the depths of my mind.
It seems to be right there sometimes, and so deep, at others, that it's hard to recall. 

Tonight, it was as if she plopped her spunky little self down right here beside me on the couch and sang in my ear.  Like she stepped out of my childhood bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed, and into my mind.  I must have heard it a thousand times as a little girl, and tonight I sit here just recalling it over and over and over again, lest it fade away in my memory again.

That little song.  Huge to me.  I think I would have believed her if she told me she wrote it.  I don't think, as a kid, I ever thought about that.  I just assumed it was exaclty how she felt about me, so it must have been hers. 

I felt like her Sunshine.  I knew I made life brighter for her, especially in dark times.  I knew she treasured me.  It was true. 

I didn't know though, how much she loved me.  I was clueless about the depth of her love for me, until I became a "mommie" myself.  I liked that she called me "Dear." 

Even as a child I thought about what it would be like if she and I were separated- taking our sunshine away.  It did- at least some of it. Her Sunshine lingers in my heart, though.  It lingers all over the place.  In my head tonight, soft and sweet, a little bit off pitch, perhaps, but I don't notice it now.  It's endearing.

Knowing her, there was a much deeper meaning.  She wanted nothing more in life than for her daughters to know Jesus and serve Him in holiness, glorifying Him with our lives.  She wanted me to know that He is the Sunshine I need.  I don't know if she ever thought about that, but HE is what we are left with, her legacy.  Sunshine for our souls.

I still feel like her "Sunshine, her only Sunshine," and I miss hearing her sing it to me, and then, her quick kiss and, "Goodnight my Tiffin-Annie."  Even now, it makes me feel so special, and so loved, because I was. 

I was someone's Sunshine.  I have a smile for that. :) 

Autumn 2012

The Alf family 2012

Some of our Autumn Adventures......

We went to visit our good friend "Nini" aka Ronni and her kids, Hunter and Kylee in late October.  We miss them so much and were glad to spend a few days just being with them.  We also had a fun filled evening at the Pumpkin patch doing some pretty crazy things, like....HOG Races, Huge slides, big pools of corn, CAMELS and other exotic animals, and.....



We climbed on things

We sat in a GIANT rocking chair!

And....Picking out a pumpkin, of course!

My dear friend and Sister, Ronni. Blessed to have her!

Mums.  Make me think of mom.  I bought them for myself last year for my birthday- from her. :)  I was suprised at how well they came back this fall! 

 Other Happenings....

Watching big brother play in the yard.  Let ME OUT!!!!! 

PUMPKIN carving!

Titus was a huge FAN!

HUGE fan!  Notice Payton is nowhere to be seen. :)

 

Down, Set, HIKE!!!

Payton's favorite part of Trunk or Treat...The leaf pile!

Touchdown!!!!
Our Football "Team"

No fumble here!

Mom won't let me eat this.  You want it? 

Ok.  I'll give it to brother.  He's my favorite.

 

 

Just a few glimpses of our ins and outs.  We are so blessed with these two!  

Does God know my name?

Wow. 
This was the question from my inquisitive four year old after we read his Bible story this evening.....
Does God know my name? 
Does he ever, Buddy! 

The conversation continued:
Payton: Mommy, does God know my name?
Me:  He sure does.  He knows everything about you.
Payton: How he know my name?
Me: He gave your name to Mommy and Daddy for us to name you.

Payton: Oh.  Can God see inside my heart
(Insert enduring "awe" inside my head and all over my body here.)
Me: Yup.  He can see inside your heart- everything you think and feel.  He knows all about you, your favorite color, what you like to eat, how many hairs are on your poky head. 
Payton: SMILE, little giggle.
Me: He knew you before Mommy knew you.  Before God gave you to Mommy and put you in my tummy, He already knew what you would be like, and He loved you!
  LONG pause and thoughtful look.
Payton: God hold me when I was a baby?
Me: I don't know how it all works before He put you in my tummy. (What would you have said?)

SO I grabbed for my Bible.  I told Payton, this is my favorite scripture.  It has always given me such stability in my "ON PURPOSE" life (that was a surprise of sorts, at least to my parents).  I didn't tell him that part.

"Oh Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I am far away.
You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. 
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place you hand of blessing on my head. 
Such knowledge is too
 wonderful for me, to great for me to understand."

"I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from you presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave you are there:
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. 
I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night-
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. 
To you the night shines as bright as day. 
Darkness and light are the same to you. "

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's (tummy). 
Than you for making me so wonderfully complex! 
Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it! 
You watched me as I was being formed in seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of (my mommy's tummy)
You saw me before I was born. 
Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. 
Every moment was laid out before a singe day had passed."

"....Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that (makes you sad),
and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

~Psalm 139 (with a Mommy's off the cuff paraphrasing in some parts)

He is soaking it all in!  We have been talking with Payton about what it means to have God as your friend, and how badly he wants to talk with us and hear our thoughts.  He has had a lot of questions and some confusion, "but I can't see Him."  It's true.  He's working it out.  Little by little.  He is seeking.  Yes, that's right.  My four year old son is seeking WHO GOD IS, to him, and wondering what that means for his life right now, moment to moment.  He always asks me after he has disobeyed if Jesus died on the cross now.  Well, I'm no theologian, but some would say, THIS KID GETS IT.  He's right there.  And you know what?  I have a side-line pass to watch him grow into this faith.  Double WOW!

I got to share in communion with him on Sunday.  We took the elements from Daddy and Payton lead me to the altar.  He carefully set his bread and juice cup down and assumed "prayer pose."  I asked him to explain what he understood about what we were doing.  He said this (juice) looks like Jesus' blood because he died on the cross.  We talked more and prayed and he was grinning from ear to ear the whole time.  Such a special moment to share with my son. 

His questions are more and more intense each day and I feel the Lord drawing him in.  It's exciting.  It's wonderful. 

Yes, Buddy, God knows your name!

Payton (Warrior)  Allen (Rock)..

He's a warrior of the ROCK. 

Our little Prayer Warrior.